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Marseille isn't Las Vegas. It's better, if you ask me, because the coffee here wakes up your grandmother and nobody judges you if you spill your seventh Ricard. Frankly, you learn more from watching five broke guys arguing over a side pot at 2:53 a.m. than from watching a thousand clean YouTube tutorials with their slick overlays. Mistakes I picked up more of them than seashells on the beach at La Catalans. Here's how it went. Unretouched.
In February 2024, I lost this stupid job-not my fault, they say restructuring, I say my boss couldn't even copy-paste. Tired of waking up for other people. Poker's always been an arm wrestle. So I took the plunge. First stop: my harbor bar, smoked like a chimney, the smell of rancid coffee, cigarettes, despair and sea salt. The dream.
The real "getting serious" was online. That night, I signed up for JackpotRiviera (2003-style site, flame gif, intern design). Flashy bonus: 100 EUR and 50 spins on "Neon Fruits". Pigeon, I clicked. We'll talk about it later.
First sin of the beginner, including myself: if you put in the blinds, that money is "invested", so you have to protect it. First game online, I get two sixes, and then the big thrill. Flop: king, ten, jack, paint galore. I called every raise, convinced that my magic sixes would work miracles. Loser.
Keyboard almost thrown out the window. Opponent, "Zinzin13" (mustachioed avatar, Disney villain), picks up everything with ace-king. Chatbox: "gg". If you say "gg" after ruining a hand like that-karma happens. Two hands later, Zinzin13 is gone. Poetry.
Tip: Don't hang on to a moldy hand. Those blinds you posted Forget it, man. Every new card is a minefield, and if the table bets like ghosts, your little sixes will have to fold. Folder early, folder proud. Winners look like cowards.
I've also learned not to play at the bar, trying to count the outs on my phone while Cat Stevens blares from the speakers. Distraction is the real edge of the casino.
Back to the first bonus. Convinced you're a genius, 100 EUR for free! To really withdraw, you have to bet fifty times. Try to turn 100 into 5000 (before dropping back to 30) on machines like "Neon Fruits" or "Vampire Beach Party". Beginner's trap. I kept coming back, chasing an imaginary win. The small wins made me think I'd figured it out. Reading the conditions is like translating the drunken IKEA to the expresso-unnecessary.
But the following Tuesday, with what was left over, I played a two-hour turbo tournament (800 players, half on tilt, a few robots-the cat was screaming that "Slapette666" wasn't human). Tight game, I made myself respected by foldering. I finished in the middle of the pack. Heroic Not really, but the bonus gave me two nights of live lessons.
Superstition: this phase, I dug out my old OM-blue sweatshirt, kebab stain 2018 (taboo question). I'd won my biggest game with it, so now it's my "lucky charm". Except that soaked in it, everyone at the bar called me "the mop". Poker, that's mean.
A word of advice: always read the bonus conditions. Don't chase the promo unless you've got a brain wired for maths and you know when to leave (spoiler: nobody knows).
Big beginner's mistake: playing your chips like in the movies. Bar, online, Grandma's at Christmas (don't mention it). Stack of pink chips You throw everything away like Pablo Escobar. Bad idea. I raised with roi-dix, the others followed suit. Flop ace, I stood there praying for a miracle. "Courage, mon pote," says Jojo (67, pastis running through his veins, puts aces down if he's bored). He saw right through me.
Don't bet because you're bored. Don't chase because you lost before. Your rug isn't bottomless, and nobody admires you when you go all-in and end up a tapas butterfly. Start soft, work your way up, only go crazy if you've landed more fish than you have. Rare!
Crazy note: one evening, the site bugged; the hearts became purple triangles. For a week, I was sure I was playing crypto. My hands were rotten. Symbols count. The brain likes real hearts, even pixelated ones.
Playing style = maths Well, maybe. But real life is "MustardRat87" (bipolar, English-French chat, mini-relationships that drive you crazy). Or that evening, a German tourist shows up, "never played", and folds the table in two hours. Beginners end up on the menu, but sometimes luck intervenes.
My first big loss The aces. I made an overbet, everyone got out except the most alcoholic, "Rémy"-bluffing doesn't make sense to him. He chats his river straight with 7-4 mismatched. Folder Not even close. Learned his lesson: don't overprotect aces. Since then, I've calmed down. Almost.
Royal flush Happened once in 18 months. Hearts. The bar exults, the chips fly, a guy offers me a drink (in the end I paid, twisted logic). Pure adrenaline. Ten minutes later, half lost to a lady. Now that's gambling.
If you're the type who wants a list:
My worst mistake Believing that after "working" my game I was going to hit. Cards don't care.
Craziest table symbol One evening, the spades became eggplants. The forum was in a state of collapse.
Make 70 mistakes, scratch out a lousy win, sweat in a lucky sweater that smells like death and watch Zinzin13 drop "gg" on you before disappearing into the Marseille night. That's my school, my failure, my twisted pleasure.
If there's a secret: don't let your pride get the better of you. Stay flexible, observe, don't trust bonuses. Folder early, laugh, bet when you're shaking. And don't forget to wash your sweatshirt - some people want to breathe on the side.
The game goes on, we don't care what you've lost. Marseille is there, smoke, sea, neon lights, hearts and spikes bugged on the app. The game moves on. It's up to you. Or not.